Can people overcome death? Why does it seem to take over a person's life and just break them down until they can't feel anything?
Religion is suppose to ease the feeling of death, it is suppose to give the person comfort. But what if they don't want comfort? What if they just want to wallow in the death of that person? Is that selfish?
My religion teaches us to not be sad that someone dies, but instead to be joyous in knowing that they are now residing with Heavenly Father. But that doesn't make me feel better. You know what would make me feel better? If they came back.
I miss her.
I didn't even know her but i miss her so much.
She was my grandmother.
She was a piece of me.
I looked like her.
I shared her mannerisms.
I shared the twinkle in her eye when she smiled a real smile.
I miss her.
I can't feel comfort with her death, because if i do doesn't that mean that i didn't care? But I do care.
Sure i never spent summers with her, or even Thanksgivings or Christmases. But she had said many times she didn't care. She had said she wasn't grandmother material anyways.
So tell me this, why does it hurt so much?
I am trying to keep up this brave facade that it doesn't bother me that much, but it does. I feel immense guilt. No matter how much she said she didn't need me there i believe she did. Or i think i need to feel like i was wanted by her.
The part that cuts deepest, is that she was gone so fast.
The last time i talked to my grandmother was two years ago at her 70th birthday party and even then, i ignored her and talked to my cousins instead. How stupid was i? I had a chance to bond with my grandmother and get to know her, but instead i decided to catch up with my favorite cousins. Even when my mother would call her to check on her i would never talk to her, i would just tell my mother to pass on a message from me.
I didn't get to say goodbye.
I didn't get to tell her that i loved her.
I don't even know if she knows that i love her.
But i do.
She died a week ago and i still cry every night. Will i cry forever?
I miss her.
And i love her.
RIP Grandma Dorothy
Tah Tah for now
- Little Ms. Pessimistic
She knew. She had learned (through her own abuse and misuse) to avoid feelings of connection because they led to disappointment. She loved silently. She felt love inwardly. She knew. She asked about you every time we spoke. That was her show of love and concern. Cry no more. She is at peace, pain-free, and in the company of our Lord; she's behind you, behind me, laughing with us, crying for us. She is an angel whose name we know.
ReplyDeleteI ask myself a lot of the same questions too, Tori. While not selfish to wallow, it can become destructive if you do it for too long and I worry for you.
ReplyDeleteSabria was right; Mama knew you loved her! Your presence at her 70th birthday proved it if you had a doubt. Your grandma was not very demonstrative with affection or attention, but she loved all of us.
She did not want us to be sad about her death. I was crying in the ER the last time she was there, and she asked why I was upset and commented "Everybody dies, Donna" as if she was ready for it. She felt tired, weak and fed up with her earthly body. Trust that she is happier now, as painful as it is for us.
She would have HATED to go slowly and in pain. She didn't even know she was in the ICU when she passed. Isn't that the way you would like to leave this earth? I take comfort in knowing her suffering was pretty brief.
Grieving is natural; please try to find comfort in knowing that she loved you and knew you loved her.
Much Love,
Auntie Donna
Time heals all wounds. Let her death be a reminder that tomorrow is not promised, and that we shouldn't take the people that we care about for granted.
ReplyDeleteOn another note, I do hope that you'll continue blogging. I think that you'll find that it can be an effective outlet for expressing yourself (: