Can people overcome death? Why does it seem to take over a person's life and just break them down until they can't feel anything?
Religion is suppose to ease the feeling of death, it is suppose to give the person comfort. But what if they don't want comfort? What if they just want to wallow in the death of that person? Is that selfish?
My religion teaches us to not be sad that someone dies, but instead to be joyous in knowing that they are now residing with Heavenly Father. But that doesn't make me feel better. You know what would make me feel better? If they came back.
I miss her.
I didn't even know her but i miss her so much.
She was my grandmother.
She was a piece of me.
I looked like her.
I shared her mannerisms.
I shared the twinkle in her eye when she smiled a real smile.
I miss her.
I can't feel comfort with her death, because if i do doesn't that mean that i didn't care? But I do care.
Sure i never spent summers with her, or even Thanksgivings or Christmases. But she had said many times she didn't care. She had said she wasn't grandmother material anyways.
So tell me this, why does it hurt so much?
I am trying to keep up this brave facade that it doesn't bother me that much, but it does. I feel immense guilt. No matter how much she said she didn't need me there i believe she did. Or i think i need to feel like i was wanted by her.
The part that cuts deepest, is that she was gone so fast.
The last time i talked to my grandmother was two years ago at her 70th birthday party and even then, i ignored her and talked to my cousins instead. How stupid was i? I had a chance to bond with my grandmother and get to know her, but instead i decided to catch up with my favorite cousins. Even when my mother would call her to check on her i would never talk to her, i would just tell my mother to pass on a message from me.
I didn't get to say goodbye.
I didn't get to tell her that i loved her.
I don't even know if she knows that i love her.
But i do.
She died a week ago and i still cry every night. Will i cry forever?
I miss her.
And i love her.
RIP Grandma Dorothy
Tah Tah for now
- Little Ms. Pessimistic
